Questions to Ask Your Partner Before Having Kids: 40 Prompts

7 November 2026

Deciding whether to have children, and when, is one of the biggest conversations a couple can have. It’s rarely one conversation, either. It tends to come up in pieces, over months or years. The questions below are written to help you open those pieces up without turning dinner into a negotiation.

They run from light to deeper, and they suit couples at any stage: sure you want kids, sure you don’t, or somewhere in between. Take turns, listen properly, and remember that either of you can pass on any question. If this topic is tender for either of you, for any reason, it’s fine to stop and come back another day.

TL;DR

This is a topic you’ll return to many times, not a single sit-down.

Start with how you each picture family life, then move to the practical and the personal.

Three or four questions per sitting is plenty. Stop whenever it stops feeling good.

Listen to understand, not to win. “I’m not sure yet” is an honest answer.

Either of you can pass at any point, and “not tonight” is always allowed.

Starting gently: how do you picture it?

Begin with imagination rather than decisions. These are about pictures and feelings, not plans.

When you picture a family life you’d love, what’s in the frame?
What’s your earliest memory of wanting, or not wanting, to be a parent?
Which families you know make it look appealing to you? What do you notice about them?
Is there a family you’ve seen that made you think, “not like that”?
How do you feel when you see a toddler melting down in the supermarket?
What do you think you’d enjoy most about having a child? What would you miss most about life as it is?
If we never had kids, what would you want our life to look like?
What’s one thing you hope a child of ours would get from us?

Do we both want this?

This is the heart of it. Go slowly, and make it safe to say “I don’t know.”

On a scale from “definitely not” to “definitely yes”, where are you today? Has it moved over the years?
What would help you feel more sure, in either direction?
Is there a number of children you picture, or does that feel too far ahead?
Do you feel pressure from anyone, including yourself, about this decision?
If we disagreed on this, how would you want us to handle it?
What would you need to hear from me to feel like your answer is safe to share?
Is there anything you’ve been hesitant to say about this?

Timing and life right now

Even when you agree on the “if”, the “when” can feel very different.

What would need to be true in our lives for the timing to feel right?
Is there anything you’d like to do or finish first, like travel, study or a career step?
How do you feel about where we live? Would you want to stay or move?
What does your gut say about timing, ignoring the practical bits for a moment?
How would you feel if things didn’t happen on the timeline we imagined?
Are there milestones, like a home, a certain stage at work or a bit of savings, that matter to you?

Good intentions are one thing. Day-to-day life is another. These questions bring the ordinary details into the open.

How do you imagine we’d share the early months, including nights, appointments and time off work?
Would either of us want to step back from work for a while? How would that feel?
What do you picture the week looking like, from school or daycare runs to meals to who’s on call when someone’s sick?
How do we feel about asking family or friends for help? Who would we actually call?
What do you think would be the hardest adjustment for you personally?
How do we make sure each of us still gets time to ourselves, and time together as a couple?
Money is a big part of this. If you haven’t yet, our money questions for couples are a good companion read.

Values and how we’d parent

You don’t need to agree on everything, but it helps to know where you’re coming from.

What’s something from the way you were raised that you’d happily pass on?
What’s something you’d do differently?
How do you think about discipline, routines and screen time? Do we have a similar instinct?
What traditions, holidays or beliefs would you want to be part of a child’s life?
How important is it to you that kids see us handle disagreements well?
What kind of person do you hope a child of ours grows into?

Deeper: the honest stuff

Save these for a relaxed moment. They’re about worries, fears and the things that are easy to leave unsaid.

What’s the thing that scares you most about becoming a parent?
Is there anything from your own childhood that might come up for you as a parent?
How do you think our relationship might change, and what would you want to protect?
If it turned out to be hard to have a child, or it didn’t happen, how would you want us to lean on each other?
What do you need from me to feel supported through all of this?
What’s one thing you’re grateful we can talk about openly?

How to use these questions

Pick a calm moment. A long walk or a slow weekend breakfast is better than the end of a tiring day.
Take turns answering. Each person answers each question, so it feels like a conversation rather than an interview.
Listen before you respond. Try repeating back what you heard before sharing your view. It slows things down in a good way.
Treat “I don’t know” as a real answer. Not being sure isn’t a problem to fix.
Make passing normal. Skipping a question needs no explanation. If a topic is sore, you can leave it for another day or another kind of support.
Don’t decide in the moment. These talks are for understanding each other. Big decisions can wait until you’ve both slept on it.
Come back to it. Your answers may change over time. Revisiting the topic is part of the process, not a sign anything’s wrong. A regular relationship check-in can make that easy.

If you’re also thinking about other big steps, you might like our posts on questions to ask before moving in together and questions to ask before getting engaged. If you’d like these on paper, there’s a free printable question pack too.

FAQ

When is the right time to talk about having kids?

There’s no set moment. Many couples bring it up gradually once things feel serious, and others wait until they’re living together or engaged. The best time is when you can both talk without feeling rushed or cornered. If you already know it matters a great deal to you, it’s fair to raise it earlier.

What if we want different things?

First, it’s worth knowing. Try to understand the reasons underneath each answer, not just the answer itself. Sometimes views are closer than they first sound, and sometimes they aren’t. Either way, give it time and avoid pressuring each other. If you’re stuck, a counsellor can help you talk it through, and there’s no shame in asking for that.

What if one of us isn’t sure yet?

That’s very common. “Not sure yet” is a fair place to be. You can agree to revisit the question at a set time, like in six months, and talk about what might help you feel clearer.

Should we have this conversation all at once?

Probably not. A few questions at a time, across several evenings, tends to feel kinder than one long session. Stop when either of you wants a break.

Want the questions to come to you?

If you’d rather not scroll a list, Candid is a deck of prompts you draw together on one phone. Pick a category (Icebreaker, Deep Truths, Flirty Dares or Intimate), take turns drawing, and pass whenever you like. There’s no scoreboard, and nothing leaves your phone. Candid is for iPhone, on iOS 18 or later, and you can learn more at candid.contact.

However you go about it, the aim is the same: to understand each other a little better, at a pace that suits you both.